YES! I DONE IT!! HA HA HAHAHA!!!
I can now make PHP convert timestamps in obscure (read: retarded) formats into widely-used and sensible ones. The Saga of the Three Scripts (that began here) is drawing to a close! The third script, the writing is done!
Let us not speak of debugging just yet. I must first bask. :D
... umm, and pay no attention to that big chunk of data I completely forgot to account for, either. o.O I'm done, dammit! DONE!