05 June 2009

Contradiction of the Day

I think I'm only capable of unconditional love if I'm not in a romantic relationship.

Individual people are cool. I enjoy following their lives, especially if theirs are vastly different from mine - if they've seen or done things I haven't, or were born into perspectives not like mine and not within the USian dominant cultures. I enjoy finding out what they think, why they think that way, how they got there. I can admire their strengths, find beauty in their weaknesses, and love their diversity of humanity. I like people who are being who they are.

By the same token, one of the biggest things I look for in others is an ability to see and understand and like me for who I am, as I am, for my own sake and not for who I am in relation to them. People who can recognize the subtle signs to stop talking about themselves and start listening, because I have something important to say. Those are the people who end up becoming my closest friends.

But when it comes to seeing someone as a potential lifelong mate, it's not just about them anymore - it becomes much more about how they relate to me. Do I personally like them, what they think, and how they think? Do I find them physically attractive? What do I think of their pursuits in life? Do I find their interests or any aspects of their personalities annoying? Can they continue to be who they are, or would they have to change in ways that would make them less happy but would please me more, and how can I ask them for changes like that? Can I somehow avoid becoming ridiculously jealous over extremely stupid things, and wanting to control how they think, as past experiences have shown I do?

On the whole, I think I'm waiting to find someone who is already exactly who I want them to be.

Note: the immediate cause of these thoughts is not the only source of them.


John the Scientist said...

Good luck with that. :p

Jeri said...

Wow, sounds like quite a contradiction. When I get overanalytical like that I try to remember the Beatle's lyrics, "Let it Be". Accept. Seek first to understand. :)

I second John. Good luck!

Hmmm... question for you. Do you believe in 'soul mates'?

MWT said...

Thanks for your support, John. :p

Jeri: from a firsthand perspective, I used to. But that was before I started figuring out the whole empath thing and how it works.

More generally, I've heard fairly detailed stories from other people about theirs and have no reason to disbelieve them. (And by "reason to disbelieve" what I mean is I have a few pieces of data from an incomplete dataset, firsthand data would be higher quality but I don't have any of that, and so on the whole I can't draw conclusions one way or the other from what I have.)

Nathan said...

Far be it from me to suggest what you should or shouldn't hold out for but I doubt you're ever going to meet anyone who is exactly who you want them to be.

I suspect that you're more likely to meet someone who is enough like who you'd want them to be...enough to make you accept the parts you could live without. Or possibly, parts of this person will be so much the person you'd want them to be that you happily overlook the other parts.

That's been my experience anyway.

MWT said...

Yeah, something like that.

It's also not all that high on my priority list, though. Basically I keep an eye out in case anyone interesting passes by, but I'm not actively looking or anything. It came up now because someone pointed themselves out.

Jim Wright said...

Well, my experience is this:

You have in your head exactly what you want.

Then you meet somebody and find out that what you had in mind isn't what you wanted after all.

Life is funny that way.

The key, is to find somebody who makes you happy, who makes you laugh, who makes you feel whole. Everything else is gravy. The thing is, that person is almost never the person you had in your mind's eye and you usually find them when you stop looking.

Tom said...

Damnit, Jim! You're not a doctor. Stop giving good advice to people!

MWT, having someone who's good to you is better than not having someone. If you are to someone else what you are looking for for yourself, that's a good start.

Anne C. said...

I'm no expert (by ANY stretch of the imagination) but I understand from observing others that there is an additional complication. Once you find someone who suits you well enough, there is the inescapable fact that you will both change and you both must accept and enjoy that change in order for the relationship to last.

Good luck!

(And your definition of how you feel about soul mates is nearly identical to a definition I've heard of psychic abilities by a friend of mine (no one you know).)