One of life's little slow-motion mysteries

Today I caused the collapse of a house of cards.

I also learned some disturbing things about a second house of cards. Will it also collapse in the wake of the first one? Or will it remain standing to get bigger until, when it finally does collapse by some other force, its dust will take months to settle instead of only weeks?

And will the house builder ever learn a thing?

Closure

One hundred eighty two days after I swung the clue-by-four, he said "I'm sorry."

So I called him an asshole.

He said again, "I'm sorry."

I called him less mature than a 15 year old.

He said again, "I'm sorry."

So I forgave him.

The end.

On Roleplay, Characters and Writing

Eric asked:

4E: worst thing ever or merely pretty awful?

The last edition of Dungeons and Dragons I played was AD&D 2nd ed., and that was back in 1992. I have no idea. :) Those of you who have it (or are looking forward to receiving it) may feel free to argue about it, however.

Michelle asked:

What's your alignment?

True Neutral.

That was what I got the last time I took an Internet test about it. I agree that it's accurate, and I like where I am.

To tie it back in with the first question, I'll add that one of the many things I dislike about D&D is the alignment system. I find that it's too artificial and arbitrary to pigeonhole people into nine categories of morality, and it's quite contrary to my preferred styles of roleplaying.

Jeri asked:

In your history of role-playing, what's your favorite character you've ever played and why? Describe the character.

Oh man... only one??? I think I'll do three. :)

1. Haywood Jablomey, a VtM vampire character in the form of an 8 year old boy (a Malkavian, for those who know VtM). His original name was John Smith, but the guy who took him in after his turning decided that it was a boring name and changed it. Said guy had a bit of a dirty mind... Anyway, Haywood is cheerful, friendly, and really not very bright at all. He's also a kleptomaniac, but don't ever confront him about it because "I don't steal! Mommy says stealing is bad!" Instead, he just "finds" things. Not necessarily shiny things or expensive things either - he'll unintentionally take just about any random thing that's sitting out somewhere not bolted down. One time he stole all the AA batteries out of some guy's TV remotes, then when the party moved on to ransack the guy's office, he dumped the batteries and took all the paper clips, and then when the party moved into a restricted lab area where everyone had to wear Clean Room suits and he was too small, he used the paper clips to make the suit fit him.

Haywood was my favorite character during the early-mid-90s, back when most of my social life consisted of tabletop roleplaying and LARPs. He's easy to play because I don't have to keep track of anything complex going on, and I don't have to think fast or intelligently. (I can think intelligently but only very slowly.) He was a hit with most groups I played him in because he made for great comic relief. In general, Haywood works best when he's actually part of a troupe, and not just running around doing stuff by himself.

2. Thomas Cougar, another VtM vampire character (a Gangrel), who started out as a Florida Seminole. After his turning, he exiled himself from his people and spent about 80 years alone in the swamps, until his great-granddaughter came along looking into her personal history, and dragged him back out. He then became a doctor who while he practiced western medicine, also knew a ton about the uses of plants (especially the ones from the swamps he was in) for medicinal purposes.

I made him for a realtime chat game in 2002. It became a solo game, and we basically went nuts with it for nearly a year. She was my best friend, and it was what we did. That game was the focus whereby she dragged me out of the abyss I was in at the time.

Later on, when we started drifting apart (as all my friendships seem to after a while), and we weren't playing as often, I started looking for something to fill the time while waiting for the game to continue, and that's how I came to RPoL in the spring of 2003. I put Thomas into a game there, and she made a character for the same game, which was called VtM: Eternal Nights. Umm. How to put it. Let's just say that it lasted for nearly a year and that there was a lot of drama. It took a long, long time before I could play Thomas in anything else (and now he's a minor NPC in a game I help run).

Thomas was also the seed behind just about all of my fiction. I made him, my friend really liked him and kept asking questions about his past, so I made an extremely detailed past (more detailed than any backstory I'd ever written for any other character). Then I made a city around him for where he was from before the start of the game. And in that city there had to be other characters of course... who were doing things of their own... and getting in each other's ways.... (For those familiar with my RPoLian history, "Detroit" originally started out as a game set in the city I made for him.)

So, yeah. Thomas was (and is) pretty important to me. ;)

3. Rumen Radomir, also a vampire, but one from the Anitaverse as described by Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake series. He started out as a Hungarian monk in the Dark Ages who became the victim of an experiment on whether the purest of the pure (e.g. a monk) could avoid falling from grace if turned into a vampire - a test of faith. Since the answer is no, he was really mad about that and went on a rampage for a couple centuries revelling in monsterhood. After that he got better. He became friends with a necromancer during the 1400s, and the friend eventually became a human servant. Then a few centuries later (150 years before gamestart in modern times) the servant got killed by a vampire hunter. He got really mad about that and went on another rampage, until finally he calmed down about 50 years ago. He ended up in Sacramento, became the Master of the City's second after six years, and ... that's pretty much it actually because the game is dead now.

The game was set in 1990 in Sacramento, ran from late 2003 to mid-2007 on RPoL, covered all of two story days during that time, and got deleted three weeks ago due to inactivity. :( While it ran, it was by far the best freeform roleplaying play-by-post EV4R. All of my best writing was in that game, and it was the stepping stone between the roleplay writing I'd been doing (and steadily improving), and Nanowrimo 2004.

Rumen is now my top muse. He's very strong-willed and particular about me getting him down right. With as entertaining a past as he had, there are all sorts of stories I can write about him - and I've started to, trying to fill the void while waiting for the game to continue (which now it never will). Much of my past several months have been spent quietly worldbuilding for one of the bigger ones. In some ways he's a seed like Thomas. Same general fuzzy settings, except several centuries earlier in a different part of the world.

For short blurbs about some of my other favorites, there's my response to a meme back in 2006. For more about my trials and tribulations of fiction writing, I do have a blog for that over at Hobgoblin.net. That was my main blog where I wrote down actual bloglike material (stuff about daily life) before starting this one.

Vindication

One of the hallmarks of being a responsible moderator is that you never really know whether you're doing a good job. The second-guessing and self-critique is constant: am I being too harsh? am I being too lenient? is there a better way to approach the problem than what I'm doing? can I think of it in time to be effective? In the thick of the moment, when tempers run high from all directions and decisions must be made quickly with no time to think things through, when people you expected to count on for support and input during a difficult time instead turn on you, when even with people you can count on for support and input you still really stand alone: it's easy to fail.

Six months ago I tried, and stumbled, and failed, and wondered if I'd gotten any of it right. Three weeks ago I discovered just how much rage I still hold for how things turned out. One week ago I had cause to show the records to another moderator - one whom I highly respect and whose opinion I very much trust. She said:

"shit you're a lot more patient than I am."

Despite all the things that still remain unresolved, some peace of mind finally came. I wasn't harsh at all, and I did get it right in the end. And I think I can let go the worst of the rage now.

Bringing about epiphanies, one thick skull at a time

Whacking sense into someone with a clue-by-four is easy when the recipient is young and impressionable - 20 years old or younger. Usually there's about three days of outrage immediately after the whack (less the younger they are), and then the light bulb comes on.

Getting light bulbs to come on when the recipient is 30+, on the other hand, apparently requires a month of intense aggravation, fallout hitting third-party bystanders, rifting of communities, and a lynch mob.

The same principles apply. The recipient has to be ready to listen at the time that the clue-by-four impacts. For young'ns it's just a matter of waiting for the right moment. For the old and set, getting them to that point can be really hard.

All in all, I think what I've most learned is that I'm much better at teaching than punishing. And next time, now that I've done it once and have a few new clues of my own, I can probably (hopefully) better contain the fallout and shorten the month.

And here's hoping the recipient does something useful with his new light bulbs.

On Endings

All good things eventually come to an end. Everyone is on a different path. Sometimes those paths cross and join for a while, and friendships blossom, and then a while later they uncross and go off in separate directions. Sometimes they loop back around and cross again later, but not always - when they do, the two people that shared paths before might well be two completely different people with a different relationship the next time.

Letting go is good when an end does come. It's good to recognize when it's time, and to do it gracefully instead of clinging vainly on, which can sour the ending. And it's good to not think about endings while things last, but to enjoy every moment as they come.

And sometimes, a path can lead away not from another person, but from a community or an activity.

I came to a fork in my path a long time ago. I've never been good at letting go. Instead of making a choice, one or the other, I keep trying to do both. But with each new door that opens on the path I need to choose, the other path drags me back. I'm trying to go up the middle and I keep running into trees.

It's time I stopped that. RPoL was very good to me for the past four and a half years, but I can't do it anymore. I've been trying to deny the inevitable, trying to recall the enthusiasm I once had from ever greater depths, but it just isn't there. I need to let it go.

Forms of roleplaying

Roleplaying games come in many forms. First, there is a whole category of sexual activities that are also called "roleplaying." That's not the topic of this post. There are also two categories of video games called roleplaying - cRPGs such as Diablo/Diablo 2, Neverwinter Nights, Elder Scrolls, etc., and MMORPGs such as World of Warcraft, Guild Wars, Everquest, etc. Then there are the pen-and-paper style roleplaying games. In these, two or more people get together and create a story. One person generally controls the setting and plot, while everyone else controls a character (or several).

There are a multitude of ways that a group of people can get together to create a story. Tabletop is where people gather around a table, usually in someone's living room, and there is usually dice involved. LARP (live-action roleplaying) is like a combination masquerade ball and improv acting event - participants dress up as their characters and interact with each other as them. Sometimes there is a strong storyline, and the improv is mediated by a narrator or group of narrators; other times it's an excuse to pound on each other with foam weapons. People also sometimes play by phone or through the mail. With the advent of the Internet, there came email and Skype, and there are several ways to play online.

Chat-based games happen through Instant Messengers like AIM, MSN, Yahoo, or through IRC. There is also specialized software dedicated to them, such as OpenRPG. It's a good realtime substitute for when the group can't all meet around a table, it's slightly slower than tabletop, and it's limited mainly by participant typing speed.

Then there are the true online writing games. They take place through blogs, wikis, and forums. They run much slower than chat; there is no instant gratification of seeing immediate feedback from other participants. The tradeoff is that the writing can become very well-thought-out and elaborate. They range from games that are just like tabletop in feel, up to full-fledged collaborative writing.

The hobby is about 40 years old at this point. For some reason it's not well regarded, even among other geeks. I personally see nothing embarrassing about it, nor reason to avoid mentioning it in non-gaming social contexts. Roleplaying is group storytelling, and storytelling is as old as humankind.

Perhaps too tough and not always fair

There are sometimes days where, for no particular reason, maybe because of a minor comment someone made somewhere, I feel like I'm being attacked from all sides. Including within, where I re-examine everything about myself and how I do things in the world, how I respond to the world, how the world responds to me, and how this compares to the way others do these things. The one little comment colors the whole rest of my day.

It wasn't even meant as an attack from the person who made the comment, and they were careful to be clear on that point. But I have to wonder on the roots of its existence and ponder whether to do something about it, what to do about it, whether I once more need to change. In the meanwhile, every other disagreement I have anywhere else becomes overwhelming.

Quality-controlled portrait galleries on community websites

Well, today's thoughts both ways were taken up by an argument on RPoL about the portraits gallery. Namely, someone wants to be able to link to outside images from anywhere, and insists that this privilege wouldn't be abused with flagrant copyright violations, porn, or otherwise inappropriate material. The moderators disagree. The admin has decided against (at least for now). The arguer is ... shall we say, having a difficult time accepting this decision.

My own idea is to let the discussion drop for the time being. When it comes up again (and it will, because this particular discussion comes up regularly), I'll propose a perk for people who choose to donate to the site when the admin introduces the subscription scheme. That is: have RPoL make arrangements with a dedicated image-hosting server. (At the moment all of the images are hosted by two volunteers, who are footing the monthly bills for them.) Subscribers (or subscribers who are above a certain level of donation) (or subscribers who optionally choose to spend additional money for it) may have space on this server to put images that they can use in games they GM. Anyone found abusing the space will have it removed with no refund.

It's still half-baked at the moment, but hopefully will be thought out more fully by the time it comes up again.