19 February 2008

Retardedness: A Gamer's Tale of an Obsessed Loser

Prologue: The universe is Diablo II. The server is Europe, which usually has the nicest possible fellow players. The game I'm in is a mule game. I'm a paladin. My mission for the evening? Either to rescue the old sage Deckard Cain from the village of Tristram, which has been sacked by demons and set afire, or to find all the waypoints (save spots) that I'll need to do it elsewhere later.

Scene 1: A Cave

My paladin is standing in there, next to the exit, doing nothing while I'm fetching myself a bowl of soup from the kitchen. As I'm settling back into my comfy chair, I see another guy run past and out. Then I hear someone declare me an enemy. "Hmmm," I think to myself. "Maybe I better go back to town while I eat."

So I make a portal. And just as I'm going into it, the other guy comes bursting back in, I hear a clank as something hits my shield... and then the screen freezes.*

When it unfreezes a few seconds later, I'm safely in town. A few seconds after that, the other guy loses his connection to the game.

Scene 2: Some Dark Woods

I'm proceeding at a leisurely pace with my evening plans. Someone else had already found Cain first, so I was just wandering around in the Dark Woods looking for its waypoint.

The other guy comes in. Based on how long it took for him to come back, the freeze probably crashed his computer.* He immediately declares me his enemy.

I sigh with some annoyance and leave the game.

Scene 3: A Marsh

I was back to looking for waypoints again. Originally I thought I'd just proceed in a different game. On the one hand, there were 7 other players in that one (all of them just standing there doing nothing), which meant nobody else could come in. On the other hand, there were 7 other players in it, which meant all the monsters would be a lot harder to kill. Also, because it's a different game with a completely different map, I'd have to start my waypoint searching from the beginning.

So I came back to the first one. I'd found the Dark Woods - it wasn't far at all from where I left off, and had gone on to the next area (which was a marsh).

Other guy comes in again - just as I find an Experience Shrine. These things are rare and valuable, because it means faster levelling. So I decide to use it. To be safer, I go to a cave that's not part of any game quest and has no waypoints, and therefore nobody ever goes there.

Scene 4: Another Cave

Other guy declares hostilities (no big surprise there). I actually look him up this time to see what exactly I'm up against. Level 91 paladin. I'm Level 11 (read: toast). But hey, I'm in a nice safe cave, right?

Just after the shrine wears off, he suddenly appears in the cave, teleports over (a sorceress spell not normally available to paladins), and kills me in one blow.

Let's stop and review here. First, he's 91 to my 11. Second, he's quite obviously decked out on high-powered items, because he's a paladin that's somehow using sorceress spells. Third, he's obviously outfitted with a map hack if he's able to find me at all, let alone so quickly. And he's just spent the better part of two hours stalking me, a total non-challenge who is trying to stay out of his way, just so he can kill me in one blow.

I resurrect in town and say "compensating for your tiny penis or something? :p" Then I leave the game before he can reply.

Oh the wave of fury that rolled in right then. He was so pissed I was shaking, and it didn't go away for like 20 minutes.

Epilogue: Saving Cain

It's virtually impossible to save Cain in a public game. First, it's a very low level quest, which means most people who make games have already done it. Second, Cain is useful, so mule games want him already saved. Third, even in games where he isn't saved when I first arrive, he will be by the time I find where I need to go - because everyone seems to have a Cain-saving hack.

Thus, having collected the waypoints I needed, I spent the rest of my evening in a private game (that is, with a password). The enraged shaking eventually faded enough that my own emotions on the matter could come through, which mainly involved lots of snickering.

And Cain was saved. Hooray. :)

*This is not unusual while someone is running game hacks.


Eric said...

His name was Inigo Montoya.

You killed his father....

I kid--sorry you had to deal with a griefer like that. That kind of thing, along with my schedule, is part of why I don't mess with multiplayer much--the only multiplayer game I play is NWN, because it's a way for an old college buddy and I to hang out every now and then even though we're now in different states.

You gotta wonder what kinda mindset a guy like your stalker has. Some people... there's just something wrong with 'em, I guess.

MWT said...

It's not at all common on the Europe server, which is why this particular incident stands out so much. Most people there are very nice, and there's an air of cooperation rather than combativeness (as tends to be found on USEast). As someone who isn't hardcore into item-finding, most of my high-quality stuff is from mule games where people drop things they no longer need, but someone else might. I always end up far better equipped on Europe than USEast or West. And heck, there have been times I've dropped things, and newcomers actually stop to ask if it's okay for them to pick it up. That's unheard of on the US servers.

So aside from snickering at the patheticness of this guy, I was also just surprised he existed.

TroyBoy said...

Man, this brings back memories. But I never played on a server. Diablo II was a blast. My current gameplay - I alternate between two other oldie but goodes: MorrowWind (Xbox) & Civ III (PC) - I have an old computer so I can't play Civ IV. Or, I play a Java version of Settlers of Catan on a free website.

Nathan said...


Have you considered it might have been an 11-year-old? Or somebody we know from the 'e'?

Eric said...

Well, the perp obviously had a mental or emotional age of 11, but you probably meant chronological, right?

Tom said...

Nathan, that's great! I wonder who you could be talking about?

Eric, I was doing Freelancer between Boston and Houston to keep in touch with a friend. But it was my private passworded server. Much better for that kind of purpose. Before that I was a very solitary type of gamer. Still, mostly.

MWT said...

I've heard good things about Morrowind but never played. But I'm more for multiplayer games for the social aspects. Originally Diablo 2 was something I did with my hands while chatting with friends. ;)

Based on my nebulous non-physical-reality-based assessment (a "vibe" if you will), the loser was at least 14.